I just spent the last year alone. Exactly a year ago today, I met a tinder match in person. He was my ideal, he was so clever and quippy and had a great wit. He lived far enough away that the, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” scenario was there and he was self-sufficient. Best of all, he has the sweetest dog and I think I fell in love with her before I fell in love with him. Yup, I fell in love. Something I had never done before. I became an entirely different person. I look back and I still don’t recognize myself.
In the beginning and in fact on this very day, he told me that he had some emotional/relationship issues. As we progressed, I was falling deeper. He never tried to have sex with me – I attributed that to him being a gentleman – and he was sweet and kind. The funny thing is – he’s nowhere near the usual type of man I am attracted to. Which made it all the more appealing to me. I have matured in my taste in men. But as the weeks turned into months, he still never tried to have sex with me and in fact, he kind of stopped kissing me, well with his mouth open. I tried. I all of a sudden became the aggressor.
Why wouldn’t he try anything? He’s not gay. Am I repulsive? Maybe he’s not attracted to me? He would never really open up to me why except that he has past issues. He told me he was diagnosed with something called, “parentification”. I did my homework and read everything I could on his diagnosis. I even reached out to some experts via email/Facebook to help me understand what I could do to be supportive and not make him uncomfortable. I took any advice they would provide me and I tried my best to be what he needed me to be. FYI: This is completely out of character for me. I never get too close and when I do I always back off but this man had me.
Sadly, around February of this year it started to fall apart. I guess I was too needy or he just allowed his condition to rule his life. I don’t really know as it’s all still a haze. Any friend I spoke to told me to run and not look back but I had invested too much emotionally and wanted to make this work. In the last few months it’s been more of a friendship although he’s not really a good friend. He never asks me about my personal life, never makes an effort to come see me – I always go to him – and occasionally sends signs that there is more than friendship which sends me right back to being a lovesick boob.
I have been dating the last few months and recently met a man that is everything that I want. He’s super hot, 6’2″, loves so many things that I love, has the same sense of humor as I do, is a gentleman and wants to have sex with me, lives far enough away that we get to miss each other, is an amazing chef (it’s his profession) and last but not least, has a 6 year old son. Oh wait, I meant to put that on the negative list. I like kids, I had 3 and have a grandson. I just would prefer to meet a man that is where I am in life. Also, my therapist (yes, I have sought therapy) wants me to never speak to my tinder fella and move on. I’m trying however I don’t know how to fall out of love.
So last night I was drinking in AC and all of these stupid feelings came to the surface. I texted tinder fella and told him to fuck off. I know, I’m a child. Today he texted me and told me in so many words that he’s glad he went with his gut and decided I wasn’t the one for him (heart sunk). I fucking hate Facebook sometimes. There’s this thing called nearby friends and I turned mine on so I could see where he was (because I am a dumb ass and apparently like to put myself through pain). He was in my neck of the woods and probably on a date because he dates a lot. That’s what prompted my fuck you text. Today he told me off and I don’t think we will ever see each other again.
I know this is supposed to be a travel blog. I think I’m going to change that. I haven’t traveled much in the last year and well, yeah.
Much ado about Rachael 